This is a profound statement that can only express something of the truth in its words. They may appear harsh to those that think they have found their partners, their friends, their family, however, to those that have not been blessed with such fortunes, the severity of these words is something that will strike close to the heart as there is nothing but truth in such words. Loneliness, this is something that everyone fears in their lives, something that so many people attempt to disguise with masks of merriment and ecstasy when in fact in their hearts they are aching and starting to detach themselves from a reality that just doesn’t give a crap about them. Let’s face it; the world has too many people for all to be cared for...
I have been given nothing but love and encouragement from my parents. Coming from a sheltered home where life wasn’t really experienced to the fullest, my first steps into university away from home were the biggest I’ve ever had to take. Being away from home brought the concept of loneliness firing up into my soul; I was alone here. I knew no one, knew nothing of the traditions. However, things were soon made clear as time progressed and I fitted myself in with a group of friends that I feel I should never have abandoned in the later months. It was with them that I never felt such a strong desire to cling onto someone; it was with them that I learned to be myself. However, things change as soon as months slip by; I found myself depending on the weekly “hook up” in order to tell me that I fitted in with the rest of society and their views of a pretty girl. I’ve never had much self confidence in all honesty, and it was the fact that so many guys wanted to be with me, in a sexual manner, that caused me to feel this elated sense of confidence. However, no matter how many guys I have kissed, it never once dulled the lonely feeling that ripped through my insides. Those few that I thought could quench my undying thirst for that special someone seemed to only prove that every single guy was the same, and that they all just wanted one thing. I have never felt so abused, so used in life.
Watching the new couples form as this learning year kicks into full swing is something that causing my heart to both swell with warmth, however, it also causes it to shatter in a silent heartbreak, a silent scream of agony as I could wish for nothing more than that to happen to me; but as I have said, loneliness seems to be my loving curse. It never leaves me; it’s like a sore, sweltering rash that plagues the skin as a fungal infection.
Countless times I have been told that “I’m a beautiful girl” and that any guy would be lucky to call me his girlfriend. I wish I could believe that. Previous encounters with the opposite gender have made me feel absolutely despondent. I can really kill myself for developing these stupid high school crushes on guys that do not feel the same way about me, and thus, constantly suffer with the aching of a heart that just wants something more than a night with someone. I would do anything to have that in my life. I would do anything to have a guy that I have really liked take a step away from the ridiculous conformity that all men seem to suffer with, and just be the one that is different, that changes my view of the idiotic male gender. Honestly, mixed emotions are being flown about the place right now as I am filled not only with sadness and regret, but also a boiling sensation of anger and resentment. Is this all normal? Does every girl experience this? Or is it just the unlucky few that have to be somewhat different to the majority of the female population of this Godforsaken planet? If one looks at it this way, how many girls have committed suicide because of partners of a broken relationship, or because of some asshole of some man in their life? They’re all the same. They only want one thing in life. They’re all the same, and I don’t think there is a single soul out there that could ever make me change my mind on this very fact.
Why is it that I harbour such resentment, such fiery rage and such passionate anguish for these people that we can’t seem to live without? Well, this can all be said to stem from the multiple experiences that I have had since my arrival at this university. More importantly, it is a figure, a person, a guy that made me believe, for a night, that the male gender was not all the same, horny little buggers. He made me believe that there were a few out there with a heart of gold, a bubbly personality that just hated seeing depression and anger, that the world was not based on the hypocrisy, which it seems to love so much. For a few days I believed that he was the true one that I was meant to fall for, that he was the one that would sweep me off my feet and prove my assumptions wrong; I thought that once my emotions were out in the open and intentions made clear that something would happen. However, once again hopes and expectations were crushed, like water breaking over the sharp jagged rocks that protrude from the sanctuary of the oceans and seas. It is on this very day that I suffer with this bittersweet curse of loneliness, it is on this dreadful day that I have found out that everything meant nothing. It is on this day that I feel that all my dreams of finding a valid partner for my course of university life is over. No guy has ever made me feel so useless, so shattered, so broken and so foolish. I am but a fool to this world of love and relationships, nothing more and nothing less. I guess I will have to promise myself that my academics are more important than anything else in this world. After all, I have my mother and father, although they will not always be there, particularly since my father is suffering with Parkinson’s disease, and it scares me senseless that he might not see me graduate; a family is all one needs in life. However, my problem now is what happens when my mother and father pass on? I guess loneliness will be my only love in life.
This is a fate that I am just going to have to accept, some way or the other.
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